Zebras: More Dangerous than Cars?

(In response to "An Open Letter to the Minister of Transportation" by Stacey McLachlan)

On a sunny Zimbabwean day in October of last year, a crime occurred. The victim: Anne Mhidza, aged 40. The perpetrator: an equestrian mammal marked with alternating white and black markings, of the genus Equus, which you probably know as the zebra. The zebra? That friendly, beautiful creature which represents idyllic African landscapes and the letter 'Z' since kindergarten? Well, you can just do yourself a favour and forget everything you think you know about zebras. They are not "Nature's Referees," because if they were, they would be using their official-looking stripes to break up fights. Instead, they're starting them.

I know what you're thinking: surely Anna was antagonizing the animal. It's a wild beast, of course it will protect it's wildly adorable little self. Well, that wasn't the case at all. Anna's family raised it since it was a little baby zebra, who had no one to protect it from the harsh African wilderness. They raised it as their own and loved it and nurtured it, and it always appeared peaceful and docile; a page out of Stacey's idyllic imagination. Everything changed that tragic sunny African afternoon. Anne witnessed it attacking their livestock, and when she intervened, it ripped off part of her chest and a finger, like a serial killer.

My friend Stacey would have you believe that zebras are cuddly and adorable. She thinks you can ride them like so many striped segways, but at what cost? A boob and a digit, that's what cost.



You're confused now. It looks like a horse, it walks like a horse, it probably smells like a horse, so why can't you just slap a saddle on that guy and ride off into the sunset? Let me explain with Science. Unlike horses, zebras have no sense of hierarchy within the harem. Basically, zebras are the anarchists of the animal kingdom, leading their quiet revolution by appearing adorable and quiet and harmless, and then taking bites out of you when your back is turned. According to someone with Science Credentials who probably was bitten by an old zebra, they "become more and more vicious and likely to bite as they age."

So it won't respect you. It won't be your friend. You can forget about riding it. You can't even saddle them because their skin is too loose. If you really want to keep a zebra, my suggestion is in airtight bags in your freezer. Mmmmm!